Back from the Past

Well, as most people know, I was on a 3 day trip to Arkansas to visit my past, and also my family. It was a really interesting experience. I think it has been 12 years since I have been there, and everything is the same except the feeling. I found that there are a few people I did enjoy seeing, but there is really nothing there for me but memories. Which isn't enough to draw me back often I think. I saw my dying Grandfather, and wish I hadn't. Its not that he said anything that I didn't like hearing. My brother has been bugging the crap out of me to go see him and my Grandmother on my moms side. Well thanks a lot Jeff, now instead of the spitfire of a man I used to think of I will now see a drooling man who didn't know who I was, and is more dead than alive. It made me very sad, not because of who he is, because I don't really know any of my grandparents that well, so I am a bit far removed from having the feelings and attachment that many others in my family do, but because people have a need to subject others to things like that, when there is no need. I would have been just as happy not to have seen him. I have a very odd view on family though, unpopular too, so that may be part of it. My Grandmother, who is now treated like a 5 year old, is not doing so well either. And of course over the course of the visit, it just couldn't stop at, "It's good to see you" It never stops there, it bled into, why are you leaving on Tuesday, why can you stay longer, don't wait so long to come back, why can you come up here more, BLAH BLAH BLAH. People are never happy. I did this for mom, and that little bit of Grandpa for Dad, but I do know that if I ever go again, I wont be going alone. It felt like I was gone a week, because for some reason, days go by really slow in the country. And to put a cherry on the top(I hate cherry's) mom has to bring up stupid stuff like the Mask Jeff and Jennifer scared me with when I was young. She is convinced it turned me gay, and she never mentions that Jeff was there too, it was all Jennifers fault, but he was, and Lisa and Lori too I think. It was just a stupid kiss mask. I remember the run from their house barefoot on gravel roads and dusk, and I remember I was just as gay out of the door, as I was when I arrived on the carport at grandma's house. Now granted I was like 5 or something like that, but the point is, sometimes my mom can be really out of it when it comes to reality. Anyway, to sum it up, way too late I know, interesting trip, nice flight, don't know that I will be going back anytime soon, and No lighters on Planes. Most importantly I would like to thank those who kept my James company while I was gone, Only 2 I know of but thanks. I am very glad to be back with him, now I feel whole again.

Kisses.....