News you can chew on...

BREAKING NEWS...Hurricanes blow...Well they suck too, I guess they do both. Any way, The Big Easy is getting a big saltwater enema via nurse Katrina. The Super Dome where half of New Orleans population is huddling, is blowing apart and its raining like no ones business. I know its a tragedy, but you guys down there have had like 100+ years to prepare for this, you have dodged every bullet so far, but as Ned Flanders will tell you , You cant keep a storm from flooding your city with GOOD INTENTIONS...

Aruba diver find nothing in their search for that Girl that is missing for over 3 months now. Though bones were reported offshore, all the divers found were unusually fat fish.

Coffee is VERY Healthy. It has at least 4 to 5 times more antioxidants than any other beverage. So Drink it you Bastards.

Suge Knight was shot in the leg at the MTV Party. I know, I know, I am just as shocked as you are...

A Huge Glass walkway will be built by an Indian Tribe that will extend 70 feet out into the air in the grand canyon. That way, you littering bastards, for the first time in history, will be able to see where your Fritos bag lands when you toss your trash into Americas plumbers crack.

Axl Rose is being sued by his fellow Guns n Roses Band mates. Apparently Duff and Slash are suing for hoarded royalties that Axl didn't share. Now let this be a lesson to all of the bands out there. If you want your full paycheck, don't stay drunk and high all the time, sober up once a month to check your account balance.

And Finally, A chimp in China who has smoked for 15 years, started to smoke even more when her mate died. The zoo keepers are worried about her health and want her to quit. The chimp picked up the habit by getting ciggy butts left by visitors to the zoo. Zoo officials are hoping the chimp can quit cold turkey and pick up normal, healthy chimp activities like flinging poo, because as we all know, smoking is a nasty habit.

On a serious note, Good thoughts, and hope for all who are effected by this Hurricane, it is a hard thing to deal with, but the well wishes of much of the country go out to you who are suffering.

That's all for now.....Kisses...